By the time my wife and I married, I was 28 and she was 22. I was a returned veteran and currently a delivery driver and had worked with "MEN" pretty much my entire life. Only child. Cub scouts. Boy scouts. Navy. Navy. Navy. Navy. Car mechanic. Missionary. Delivery driver. And a bunch of other things in between - all men.
I just got done with a company that was mostly women and what a nightmare that was. Male dominated organizations can suck just as bad but the dramatic stupidity is a lot lower. Although I think the one boss, we'll just call him Roy, didn't actually have a penis, secretly had a vagina, and the other HR chick who looked like Mrs. Potato Head in drag with a nasty fake bake and I didn't know women wore toupee's or could a woman's hair actually look that ugly? One crew I supervised was nearly all lesbians who were insanely penis-envious and mad that despite their best efforts to be men, they still got a monthly visitor but somehow that was my fault because women's periods are the fault of all men according to feminazis, don't you know? Anyways - yah. I'm still recovering from it all.
At any rate, what does this have to do with marriage? Well, now I was married to.....a woman. And guys and girls do things differently. Just trust me on this. Thank God my wife isn't "a woman" in so many senses of the word - isn't overly prone to drama, doesn't PMS and get bitchy and blame it on me, doesn't have a crappy day and then when her husband makes her dinner in bed whine on facebook how it wasn't exactly what she wanted and tell the world how awful (I) am, doesn't expect me to be a mind reader like a lot of women expect their men to be and then talk to their girlfriends how they CANT BELIEVE he doesn't know what she likes, she can't stand the drama of women in general, knows if the toilet seat is up she is perfectly capable of putting it down, grew up in a house full of brothers and her one sister is a US Army veteran, her other sister is quite the car mechanic and they grew up on a farm - it's great!
BUT....some things are still different. At least....well, you'll see.
One of my things? I love a good root-beer or a cream-soda. Henry Weinhard's is my preferred brand. But for our honeymoon on limited funds? Mug. Mug in a can.
So through the course of our honeymoon, I was living the GOOD life. Newly married and mug rootbeer cans in various states of consumption as far as the eye could see in our resort room. And this was day ONE! Good times. Good times.
Only, one problem. There was only one bathroom. And I'd been drinking a lot of soda.
So when my new wife is in the bathroom for quite some time - I don't know how to ask that she'd hurry up yet. I don't want to "rush" her or anything. But we got a serious problem here.
Perhaps it comes from my religious background and not living together before marriage, I'm still pretty naive at this point about the finer points of womanhood.
So, now my wife is in the bathroom and - well - I'm used to solving things myself. Driving truck, and formerly standing a post in the military - if you have to go - well - you find a way to go because you got work to do. Often we'd pee in a canteen if we absolutely have to on post or in the truck fill a Mt. Dew Bottle on the road trying to keep our times up.
Usually while driving truck, we would pull over into the woods as we deliver her in Oregon, once we're outside Portland, there's PLENTY of woods to be found. One time, we got finished with a delivery in
Estacada and my brother in law, Jonathan HAD to go. We pulled down the road from this rural house, he was driving, and so I jumped out the passenger side in a stretch of woods that we made sure was empty and I just took a leak between the door and the truck against a hillside on the side of the road. Jonathan, however, can't pee near anyone else. Not good military material in that regards. So he runs across the road into some woods to pee. As I'm peeing, suddenly I hear a woman "DID YOU JUST COME FROM THAT HOUSE?"
I peer over the engine of the truck. I see Jonathan jumping in surprise and peeing everywhere as he frantically tries to zip up and a woman coming at him threateningly with a garden trowel.
"YOURE PEEING IN MY YARD! WHY ARE YOU PEEING IN MY YARD! GET OUT OF MY YARD!!!"
Jonathan frantically tries to explain "I...this is your yard? I....uh.....I....we...you see....." and decides to forget it and gets back into the truck. I'm laughing. Actually I'm still laughing.
And...he still has to go.
I ask "Wanna pull over just up here then? There's another stretch of woods. THIS one doesn't look like anyone's yard at all."
"THE LAST ONE DIDN'T LOOK LIKE A YARD! IT LOOKED THE SAME IN FACT! No way, I'll just hold it till I KNOW we're at a bathroom....how the heck was I supposed to know a piece of forest was her front yard? Where'd she come from anyways?" Only Jonathan.
But I digress. Back to the hotel.
What to do - what to do?
Well, peeing in the sink is out because that's just not cool, peeing off the balcony gets me arrested and ends the honeymoon, peeing in the plants is just not kosher, and running down to the lobby is just not gonna happen cuz I'll pee my pants before I get there.
Ideas man! IDEAS! I NEED AN IDEA!
AHA!
Mug Root Beer is going to save the day. It caused this dilemma and now it is going to solve it as well!
I grab a can that's empty in the bedroom. I begin to return the Mug Root Beer in its altered state after passing through my bladder and kidneys back into the can.....ahhhhhhhhhhh.
I think I filled up one and a half of them.
Waiting to drain them down the toilet, I set them on the nightstand and kept all this to myself.
Finally, my turn for the bathroom came, but I didn't want to be conspicuous taking cans into the bathroom and have my wife ask "What are you doing?" That IS one thing she does ask a little too much for her own good. Trust me honey, ignorance is bliss.
For example: Recently I was looking through our bedroom before I built my gun-rack and she asks "What are you doing?" I said "Nunya."
"Nunya? What? Why?"
"Cuz if I tell you what I'm looking for then you'll need to know why, and then when I tell you why you're going to give me a bunch of crap about what I'm doing so....nunya."
"Oh, come onnnnnnnn."
"No seriously."
"Seriously?"
"Okay, fine, I'm looking for a sword."
"......well, yeah, okay, of course I'm curious now! Of course I want to know."
"I told you!"
"Well you can't just be looking for your sword and then tell me you need it - of course I want to know why!"
"To cut the watermelon for the party."
"Oh and a kitchen knife just isn't good enough?"
"I TOLD YOU YOU'D FLIP ME CRAP! DO I KNOW YOU OR WHAT?" This may seem a small thing but in the world of husbands and wives, the opportunity to be right on this was as satisfying as it was annoying. However, she laughed.
And yes, cutting a watermelon with a samurai sword is far more fun and cooler than using a sissy butcher knife. Any psycho can use a knife. Since then I've also used a calvary sword and a scimitar to end the lives of other cowering and helpless watermelons for parties.
But I digress.
My point? I know my wife is going to be curious. So I move the cans of warm piss disguised as root beer back behind the lamp on the nightstand and wait until I can dispose of it.
FINALLY! She's out of the bathroom. But I gotta go again already! I then get to go to the bathroom now for another round of passing de-constituted Mug Root Beer through my system.
While in the bathroom, I decide to take a moment to contemplate my newly married state and just can't believe all this is happening. Wow. I'm married. I look at myself in the mirror....."You're a husband now guy!" I think to myself.
That's not all I was about to be.
Suddenly I hear from the other room "AAAAAUUUUGHHHGG!!!! (CHOKE! GASP!) AAAAUGH!!!" and then pounding footsteps racing through our resort room from the bedroom to the kitchen.
Oh my gosh! My wife! What's wrong with my wife? I've been married a day and we got a problem and she's gonna die on me! WHATS WRONG???
I race out of the bathroom to find her gasping and dry heaving over the sink.
"You......you.......you pissed in the MUG ROOT BEER CAN AND I DRANK IT!!! UGH!"
Whew! At least it was nothing serious! I was worried for a moment.
I can't help but laugh at this point. Actually I'm laughing right now as I write this.
Nothing like charging right into the fray and breaking down those barriers of "getting to know you" right from the get-go and jumping ahead to drinking each others bodily wastes disguised as a refreshing drink and learning what that's like on the first day of marriage.
Now that we've got that out of the way, maybe we can start learning more obscure facts like each others' favorite colors and music!
Ahhh marriage. I got more, but for now, this will do.
